I’m not sure why today, but today is as good a day as any. 

Today I’ve chosen to draw you in a little closer and reveal an embarrassing secret that I’ve been TRYING to hide for the last 3 years. 

(Social gatherings aren’t my favorite. I feel awful for the strangers who have asked when my baby is due. I’ve almost mastered the art of creatively easing the tension and pulling them out of their deep dark hole of shame.)

After two big babies, my poor 40-year-old body has suffered a 6.5” separation in my abdominal muscles. I’ve gotten pretty good at hiding it, but there are always those days when my t-shirt is just a bit too tight or the fabric clings in just the right spots. 

(To all of you mommies hiding under baggy shirts, layered clothes and abdominal binders… I’m with you sisters 👊🏼 I know your pains, your physical challenges, and your overall battle with self-esteem. It’s such a lonely battle. Not generally something we share with anyone, sometimes not even our spouses.)

We fight everyday to feel good in our own skin, muster the courage to face the world and do everything we can to channel the warrior within us. And then, when we put the rest of the world to sleep, we catch a glimpse of ourselves in the mirror, taking in every imperfect detail that sends us down a rabbit hole of negative thoughts. 

My babies. My babies came from this body. It’s truly amazing. And a miracle for me since I wasn’t suppose to conceive. I’m so proud of my body. I am thankful for my body. (Gratitude, and a surprise pat-on-the-bum from my love-blind husband, lovingly pull me out of this hole.) But then the pain sets in… and in 3 years, the physical and psychological battles pushed me to start doing some research. 

👉🏼The strange inability to lose the weight in my tummy sent me to a Gastro to check for issues and my Gyno to check for Distasis. 

👉🏼Constant back and hip pain sent me to the chiropractor and physical therapist. It helped with the pain. Not with the belly. 

👉🏼After 3 plastic surgeons, endless conversations with my insurance, obsessively researching alternative solutions for DR through specific exercises and chatting with communities of women and close friends about their experience, I ultimately discovered that my only answer was surgery. Very, costly and ELECTIVE surgery. (I think it’s ridiculous that insurance companies don’t allow this for women who have issues after childbirth but that’s another conversation). 

So I put this on the shelf. Carrying shame and insecurities, I was prepared to live with it. I mean, after all, my husband and my children thought I was the prettiest girl in the world. Nothing else mattered. Right? 

But what if… what if I had the money? 

Last November, I was faced with this question. Dad had left us a little bit of inheritance, which was enough to pay off the rest of our debt and… maybe… maybe consider repairing the muscles in my abdomen. Was this the right thing to do? Would it be too selfish of me to undergo such a surgery? 

I waited. 

I prayed. 

I met with another surgeon. 

And I had peace. 

I’m ready to feel comfortable in my own skin again… and never have to dance around embarrassing questions from people who don’t know any better.

My surgery date is April 30th. Mama (Babulya) Yelena is coming from California to take care of me and the boys for 6 weeks, and my whole family is getting ready to pitch in as I undergo major surgery and a painful recovery. 

I can’t believe this is happening. I’m not nervous yet, just excited and so incredibly thankful. I’d appreciate your prayers as I get closer to my surgery date. In the meantime, I’ve decided to shift over to a plant-based diet and making myself a priority for once.  

You know what’s funny? This journey of restoration started with about 12 years ago with my spirit when I dedicated my life to God… He then began to heal my heart, restore my mind, redeem my marriage, and now renew my body. 

Our God is an awesome God. 

What a life-changing blessing. 

… Stay tuned for more updates!