You know when things happen in your life immediately followed by a wave of questions, hoping to be answered before they can even come out of your mouth? That feeling of panic, confusion, disorientation…”What do I do now?”

Though I’ve had many of these moments, I’m happy to say that it has been a while. Painful as it may have been going through tragedies, heartache, emptiness, hardship, unemployment, failure, death… The dots began to finally connect about 3 years ago when I let God “take the wheel.” This has not, however, absolved me from facing these things in my present and future… thus my disconcerting news this past Monday that my financial security has been eliminated, along with the health insurance benefits that people pray for. This day was the day I stepped on the front lines of my battlefield.

After much deep contemplation, an unexpected fearlessness and dangerous excitement began to surge through my veins. Something was happening in me… in this place… in this time… I could FEEL it! Though on the outside it looks like my walls are crumbling, I am being lifted above it all, and filled with a trust and hope that I have never felt. Don’t get me wrong there are a million thoughts and doubts creeping into my head and my heart at lightning speed every millisecond of the day, but it’s like I have this forcefield around me that doesn’t let any of those negative thoughts linger. JESUS!!!

Have you ever wanted to be the star and the spectator of your own movie? Seeing it all unfold yet always being one step ahead and knowing what’s coming? Seeing all related pieces of the puzzle coming together before your eyes for an ending to top all endings… predicting what will happen because you, the spectator, have an inside look at what’s happening simultaneously to make things all work together for the one single outcome?

Tonight, I have come to this intersection. Like a crossroad of dimensions or Bermuda triangle. I have realized that regardless of how far the rabbit hole goes, my outcome in this season, at the least, will change who I am forever.

For the past 3 years I have participated in a church-wide corporate fast in the month of January. 21 days of fasting whatever is holding you back from going deeper in your relationship with God. Eliminating the distractions, voices, the world… For some it’s food, others it may be technology. Whatever your pleasure, it is sacrificed for the sake of divine elevation and intervention. For the sake of change and progress.

For those of you who know me, I am one of the busiest, most social people you know. Always involved, serving, doing, traveling, working, calculating perfectly my time so that I can juggle the world as I know it. However, in this very moment, I have lost my job, taken a break from Blameless, put the vision for CultureShock Magazine at Jesus’ feet after an exhausting fight to keep it alive, have a couple of weeks before our youth service starts up again, small devotional groups have ended for the year, so has the WOF tour until April, and I find myself with no commitments, no pressing obligations or festivities, no man, no need to spend money, just me & God. And if this wasn’t clear enough, I have had a major revelation for a book idea. The challenge, however, was finally posed just a few hours ago, when I ‘randomly’ came across the ad for a book writing competition that I have been pushing aside for the past few months… as a friendly reminder of the submission deadline of January 15th. Coincidence? I think not.

Let me just say this, regardless of what happens if and when I submit this book idea to one of the biggest publishing houses in the country, the simple fact that I dedicated the first 15 days of the new year to face a major fear, overcome procrastination, releasing my heart and gift to the world, and hope it ‘doesn’t return void,’ will be by far, the greatest accomplishment of my entire life. What this means for me, however, is 15 days of war.

You see, as a writer, when my inspiration begins to flow, I must go with it until it stops. This means working through meals, sleep, showers… unless I want to take the risk of losing my inspiration, my words, my direction. I have been prolonging this intense zone I must submit myself to only because I know how much it will take out of me, and how much I must fight. I am purely motivated by the relief of completion, accomplishment, and the release of the haunting words that live in my heart and my spirit. There is so much of me I long to share with the world. Things I have learned, experienced, discovered… It’s the closest thing I can think of to being pregnant with a beautiful child… a gift that will change the world when it’s ready to be introduced to it. But oh the pain… the pain of delivery.

Nevertheless, I have decided to take this divine challenge, which begins January 1. Ironically, not only will this be the month of my yearly fast where I must cut out distractions anyway, but I will be having surgery on January 18th, which will put me in bed recovering for at least a week… which means predetermined, forced, uninterrupted, REST. Another coincidence? Absolutely NOT. As of January 1st, I will shut out the world and allow the spirit in me to pour out for 15 days. No Facebook, no fellowship, no entertainment… just me, God, and a sea of blank pages. I will answer calls at my discretion and leave my home only for church. This will be the 15 day challenge that will change my world as I know it… even if that change is only within me.

Father, I don’t know what you have planned for me. I don’t know if I will make this deadline, if my submission will even be accepted since I’m a Women Of Faith staff member, or if it will even go farther than an email. But I do know you’re doing something. You have laid out this perfect plan- this perfect time- for me to really show the world my gift and prove to myself that I can overcome and conquer. Through this I will feel accomplished, disciplined, proud, and so thankful- even more than I am now. God please help me get through this. Don’t let me stop. Give me the dedication, passion, inspiration, perseverance, humility, and love to do this for you… to do this for me.

AMEN.