“We received the promises as the people in the wilderness, but the promises didn’t do them a bit of good because they didn’t receive the promises with faith. If we believe, though, we’ll experience that state of resting. But not if we don’t have faith. Remember what God said, Exasperated, I vowed, “They’ll never get where they’re going, never be able to sit down and rest.” (Hebrews 4:1-3, The Message)

My walk with God since 2008 has been anything but easy. Though I can’t imagine ever changing a second of my journey, the struggles, pain, sadness, and frustration have forced their way into my life with the purpose of purifying my heart and strengthening my spirit. Most of us, you see, avoid pain and sadness… we avoid the ‘reality’ of this hard life and do everything we can to NOT face hardship, difficulty, weakness, or pain. Most of our waking moments are solely on a mission to make our lives as easy, pleasurable, reliable and simple as possible. But most of us end up still unfulfilled, questioning God, wondering where we went wrong, temporarily filling the emptiness of our lives with fancy things, fun, uncomplicated relationships and as much money as we can make. We have become a self centered culture that worries only about MY SPACE and iPHONEs and not too much about building strong family relationships, sacrificing our time to help out a friend, or even giving up luxuries just to work in a career that you actually enjoy. Imagine that…

Well, I was not going to fall into this trap. Being a single woman with no children and a ton of ideas in my head of the things I wanted to accomplish in this life before my death, I decided to be bold and face the lion of fear that lives inside us all. The lion that paralyzes us, defeats us, and corners us to stay in the rat race, fend for ourselves, and be happy in the world that the majority of our culture lives in… it is safe there… it is predictable there… it is controllable there. I, though many say it was a stupid move, took a step right into the lions den and started chasing him for a change!

My fight has gone on for two years now. It has been a season of being stripped of my pride, my fears, my walls… a season to discover at my very core who I really am in the eyes of God and what I was created for… a season to discover this idea of ‘faith’ and believing in something unseen… a season of truly understanding the promises of my Father, not just by hearing or reading them… but by having nothing left to lose and relying on them.

Until recently, I had no idea how I would eat, put gas in my car, & pay my bills, each month. But without fail and with absolute PERFECT timing, my Father would send me an angel on earth to lend a helping hand… or an opportunity for work would open up… or I would receive a random check in the mail… or somehow my bill was postponed. Through it all, through the last 2 1/2 years, I have never gone one day without eating, or having a roof over my head. I still have my car, I managed to always have gas money, and have been healthy enough to stay out of the doctor’s office. My dog is happy, my roomie (brother), though irritated at my struggles at times, contributed where I lacked. Yet… I have managed to completely change my life, develop stronger friendships than I ever knew existed, plant myself in the most amazing church, become a leader in my community, travel all over the country, publish my very own magazine, start a teen ministry, visit my family in Colombia, and live in a beautiful, safe community close to all the things I love. And finally, last week, I got offered a position with a great company that will not only provide me financial freedom, but nurture all the skills, talents, & experience that I have and STILL allow me the time to continue following my heart with this youth ministry vision.

How did this all happen? To be completely transparent, I just didn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel very often. I realize now that it took me truly losing everything, experiencing (not just learning about) what FAITH really IS… and to take it a step further… not just experiencing and receiving it… but actually BELIEVING it!

Until you believe that the promises He gives us are REAL and WILL happen, all we do is continue to walk around in circles wondering and waiting… and eventually doubting! It wasn’t until I started surrendering all of my understanding and control (do you realize how hard that is?) by saying: “God, I know You are pleased with me, I know You love me, I know that YOU know what’s best for me and what will ultimately make ME happy. I trust You to do what you need to do with me because I know that no matter what, even if I have to live this hard life struggling every moment… it is all worth it to have Your peace in my heart, and YOUR will for my life. My rewards, if not here on earth, are in Heaven for eternity! My joy comes from seeing lives changed, encouraging others to live well and love well, and being your hands, feet and mouth for YOU on this earth. There is no greater joy than that for me. Money, clothes, going out to a fancy dinner, a nice home, great furniture, a husband & family… none of it are worth losing You. I will give it all up for You… because I know that YOU know what I truly desire, and that I will have all of these things and more whenever You have planned for me to have them.”

So now I sit here, in my cozy room, past my new bedtime of 10 p.m. (since I have to get up at 6 a.m. now for work) still in shock that I will finally be able to pay my bills… finally be able to exhale… wishing I could say, ‘oh yeah I knew all along that this would happen!’ but really humbled at the pure mercy and love of my Father, who brought me all this way just to get me to say, ‘nothing else matters but you, God… I will sacrifice it all for You and to see Your people healed and whole and changed. I will give my life for them, because I know that you have given your life for me and not just anyone can do what you’ve called me to do, which means that my rewards are greater than I could ever dream.’ Thank you, Father, for how you love me. For being the perfect parent and the perfect love. My life is Yours and Yours alone. It is exactly what you say in Your Word: “Once people have seen the light, gotten a taste of heaven and been part of the work of the Holy Spirit, once they’ve personally experienced the sheer goodness of God’s Word and the powers breaking in on us—if then they turn their backs on it, washing their hands of the whole thing, well, they can’t start over as if nothing happened.” (Hebrews 6:4-8, The Message)