We live in such a beautiful world, don’t we? Dark skies filled with twinkling stars, pathways lined with palm trees, waterways, and beautiful landscaping… have I not stopped long enough to look around lately? Isn’t it just majestic? Could it be that more often than not I am distracted by whatever drama is happening in my day, and I forget to take a look around? Apparently so. But tonight… tonight is different. Tonight I realize that I could be anywhere else in the world… suffering… in bondage… homeless… hungry. But I am not. I am here.

You know what this moment reminds me of? It reminds me of the stories we hear of individuals facing a determined death, and how their lives all of a sudden become very simple. Simple in the sense that nothing else really matters. Not the economy or who is going to be the next president; not how we will pay off our debt or how many times the mailman will continue to bring us someone else’s mail; not choosing the right paint color or fighting over the last standby seat on an airplane. All that matters at that moment is life itself, and the most precious, irreplaceable things in it. Facing the biggest fear, death, has also brought with it complete surrender to this ‘fight’ we seem to have with the world… and allows us to give in to the inevitable, with an odd peace and freedom.

So is this what it takes? Death? Facing our greatest fear in order to finally get what’s important and that we are NOT in control?? Why does it take a near-death experience to push us over the edge so far that the blinders finally fall off! For me (and I’m sure many of you), failure is a form of death and can also have the same consequences. It is a death of myself and who I thought I was or would become. It is a feeling of humiliation and brokenness in the very spotlight of the world’s stage… and all you can do is stand there and take it. ‘It’ of course, being the ‘jokers’, the ‘I told you so-ers’ the ‘pity-ers’, the ‘silent judgement-ers’, the ‘giver-upers’, the ‘take the easy road-ers’, the ‘when are you going to grow up-ers’, the ‘it’s ok you tried your best-ers’, the ‘you just need to get a stable job’ers’, and the ‘shoulda, coulda, would-ers’. It is as close to death as one can experience in life without anything physically being wrong… when the body is whole, but the spirit is broken.

It has been about a year since the first issue of CultureShock launched. A year ago I was on top, feeling the rise of success, seeing the fulfillment of the vision that God gave me for my life, and discovering new visions and revelations that were being uncovered each day. A year ago today, I was convinced that today I would be ‘there’. ‘There’ being financially stable, emotionally fulfilled, doctrinally knowledgeable, spiritually free. ‘There’ being the place where I could finally exhale and begin building on the dream and teaching others ‘how it’s done’. Instead of being ‘there’ however, I encountered the death of my vision, along with the emotional and spiritual roller-coaster ride that trailed behind. Though the story of this death is quite convoluted, it had me stuck between ‘God is allowing this to happen for a reason’ and ‘my biggest enemy in this spiritual battle was out to get me and everything I stood for’. Regardless of the details… I now stand here with nothing else to lose, bullied, battered & broken, ready to get back up and fight.

Though in the world’s point of view I see: my team divided, my bare-bones living still too much for me to handle, my loneliness getting lonelier, my momentum completely gone. In the eyes of God, I see: my pride…removed, my distractions… eliminated, my control… surrendered, my trust in Him… necessary, my desire to feel His comfort… my sanity, my fear of speaking to crowds… forgotten simply because the pain I feel has numbed my insecurities, and the freedom that comes from this type of ‘death of self’ is what has seemed to be my saving grace. So what now? Now I thank my father for providing just enough money in my account to pay my rent without being late… with $10 to spare. Now I thank my Father that my car loan was approved for deferment for two months. Now I thank my Father that my cell phone provider has given me an extra week to make my payment. Now I thank my Father that I ate dinner tonight, and a have soft bed to sleep in, and a fancy computer to blog on, and a world full of friends that support me, encourage me, believe in me, and help me… and a million bold ideas on how to fulfill the dreams that tug at my heart strings. Now, I fully rely on God.

My encouragement has been great throughout my brokenness, however. With promises that God speaks to me that remind me of His inability to fail or lie… and His unconditional love for me:

(Devotions sent to me on my journey…)

“I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.” – John 12:24

Almost every significant thing God births He allows to die before the vision is fulfilled in His own way.

-Abraham had a vision of being the father of a great nation (birth). Sarah was barren and became too old to have children (death). God gave Abraham and Sarah a son in their old age. He became the father of a great nation (fulfillment).

-Joseph had a vision that he would be a great leader and that many would bow down to him (birth). Joseph’s brothers sold him to some merchants and he became a slave. Later he was falsely condemned to spend his years in prison (death). God allowed Joseph to interpret the dreams of the butler and baker and later the king, whereupon, he was made a ruler in the land (fulfillment).

-Moses had a vision of leading his people out of the bondage of Egypt (birth). Pharaoh as well as his own people drove Moses out of Egypt after Moses’ first attempt to relieve their bondage (death). God gave Moses signs and wonders to convince Pharaoh to free the people and bring them out of Egypt and into the Promised Land (fulfillment).

-The disciples had a vision of establishing the Kingdom of God with Jesus (birth). The very ones He came to save killed Jesus, and the disciples saw Him buried in a tomb (death). God raised Jesus from the dead, and the disciples performed great miracles until the gospel had spread through all the world (fulfillment).

-A grain of wheat has a “vision” of reproducing itself and many more grains of wheat (birth). The grain dies in the ground (death). A harvest springs up out of the very process of “death” in the ground (fulfillment).

Has God given you a vision that is yet unfulfilled? If that vision is born of God, He will raise it up in His own way. Do not try to raise the vision in your own strength. Like Moses, who tried to fulfill the vision of freeing the Hebrews by killing the Egyptian, it will only fail. But wait on your heavenly Father to fulfill the vision. Then you will know that it was His vision when He fulfills it in the way only He can do.

ANOTHER DEVO:

There are times in our lives when we must set ourselves to seeking God with all our hearts. It is in these times that we hear from Heaven in ways we may never have experienced before. Daniel’s perseverance in prayer was rewarded with a personal encounter with Heaven. However, in order to receive from God, Daniel had to be left alone, have his strength removed, and be placed in a helpless condition. When we have no ability in our own strength to move Heaven or the events around us, we are in position to hear from Heaven. It is the acknowledgment of our humanity and our frailness that places us in a position to have a personal encounter with the living God.

AMEN. I love you, Father. I need you, Father. Don’t ever leave me for dead or grow weary of making my wrong turns, right. If it is only in my suffering for all of my life on this earth that will bring salvation and prosperity to others known or unknown to me, let it be so. Let my desires be Your desires… and may YOUR will be done… not mine. For I know my rewards are in heaven, and there is nothing even to compare here on earth. So I will wait and suffer well. Your peace, love and hope be with me always:)