More and more lately, I have been enamored by the magnificence of the sky and how beautiful and intricate the colors, shapes, and movement blend together like a well performed dance… but so silently and delicately throughout the day that only those of us who really take the time to watch, truly experience the greatness of it’s majesty. What a superb masterpiece… what care and love it must have taken to paint such an amazing world, evoking so many unexplainable emotions. And how flawlessly, as the atmosphere changes, does our sky transition from season to season, without so much as a pout or tear. Oh how I wish I could do the same…

Since the beginning of this ‘walk of faith’ in January of 2008, I have been in a season of identity discovery that has been, to keep it short, a time of stripping away the unnecessary junk that had accumulated through the years of living in the world when I wasn’t living for God, but myself. It was as if every situation I put myself in, a new job, relationship, friendship, city, whatever… was actually redefining who I was! Little by little I became a lot of different people and had completely lost the ability to see who I was WITHOUT any of those people, places, or things. I started to think, “when everything is taken away, who are we? Who do we have to please? What do we do and where do we go? What’s the purpose of life if everything and everyone is gone? What do I really want?” As the years went by, I realized that I simply had no idea who I was at my core anymore! I had let everyone else determine who I would be… and I actually could be whoever I needed to be for any particular person at any particular moment! I use to see that as a strength. Now I realize that it wasn’t only my biggest weakness, but it was the loneliest, most confusing state of existence.

All I had was the instilled knowledge of the existence of God. I was forced to trust in this God and surrender to life as I knew it. It was the only choice when life became impossible on my own. Looking back on the past 2 years since that moment, I have not only gotten to play in the world and experience new things, but have rediscovered who I am in the eyes of God, uncovered the desires He has so strategically and specifically planted in my heart, and the purpose and call on my life! I now understand that my strengths, weaknesses, and past experiences have not only placed me in this exact spot, but have been very purposeful and intentional in ever way by the God of the Universe and the job He has for me. Wow, what a discovery!! And it only took me 30 years!!

Funny how you can rarely recognize the season you’re in when you’re in it… yet what an overwhelming sense of accomplishment when you do! It took me a while to see that my identity needed to be restored to it’s ‘original or default settings’ in order to truly enter into this next season…

I felt, a couple of months back, a very strong pull away from thing people, places & things that surrounded me, but had no idea why. I just knew something was changing and I was being moved. It was a bit sad and confusing, but joyous, exciting and hopeful, almost like Christmas morning! All I knew was that I felt ready to move, and that whatever God had planned, I was willing to follow. Peace filled my spirit and a very palpable bubble of protection surrounded me while chaos seemed to fill the lives of those around me. I was thankful.

My prayer during my transition became one of better focus on the magazine, more time to organize my life, freedom from debt & a better handle on my finances, and a simpler, clearer path towards my call. A ‘de-clutter,’ if you will, of the fun, but not-so-intentional-towards-my-specific-call activities that had filled my schedule. Little did I know that this prayer would not only be answered, but it would be more challenging and uncomfortable than I could ever imagine! Between the discipline of Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University class, the new commitment to a steady job as a server at Capital Grille (so I can have my days free to work on the mag… and health insurance), the time sacrifices I have to make when it comes to the cultivation (or lack there-of) with relationships & friendships, and the letting go of other jobs and groups, I am learning a pretty uneasy lesson in humility, perseverance, dedication, patience, and more than everything else, the importance of focusing on God, magnifying Him and not my struggles, so that I don’t fall apart in the process or feel that I’m taking a step back! It’s all about doing whatever you have to do to get the job done, right? My promise to God will always be that I will do everything I possibly can in my own strength to carry out the vision He has given me… regardless of the humiliation, judgement, sacrifice, or pain I must endure. No matter the time it will take. I know His peace, His grace and His joy will guide my every step, just as it has each moment so far. All I need to remember is that IT IS DONE and that my fear must only be in God.

So this… the new season… has been revealed as the season of learning to focus on God and His promises to ME, regardless of the world’s perceptions, opinions, and rejections!

How beautiful His creation… how strategic His plans… how seamless and perfect the transitions between seasons… how easy to miss it if we don’t look up and pay attention!

(disclaimer: I apologize for the bad grammar, sloppy writing, and quick ending… if you noticed… I’m exhausted and just needed to regurgitate some thoughts. If you didn’t notice, pretend you never read this and just simply enjoy the photos… LOL)