I feel the need to be transparent with you for a second simply because many of you have mentioned that it seems I rarely struggle, am always inspired, and on top of my spiritual game. I am here to tell you the other side of the story.

My Heavenly Father has taken me through a serious spiritual boot camp the past 2 years, and with the incredible high’s came many low’s. It is probably safe to say that I have been down more than up… but each time my ‘ups’ get longer and stronger. I am realizing now God’s process in my life. First, complete protection from him as a newly saved child of God. During the first few months (let’s just say year) as a new believer, it was almost like a honeymoon phase in my new marriage to God. Fire and passion ran through my blood. Nothing went wrong, full speed ahead. You see, it was my time for Him to draw me close… and he kept Satan away completely so that I could gain strength, wisdom and faith. Little did I know that after some time, I was ready to start learning some lessons and facing some old wounds. God has carefully let the world (Satan) in to shake me up and disturb my cozy comfort zone, so that I could start learning to ‘defend myself’ and use the tools He gave me. Just as much as He wants to do for me, I must take small steps to do for Him as long as I live in this world. After all, I am preparing for my place in heaven! What I face, how I conquer, and how I serve My Father and His people will determine my role in His Kingdom!

In my struggles, I have learned to fast, pray, serve, remain humble, persevere, trust HIM in all things (especially not having a steady income), and worship Him through it all! This has been the hardest time of my life, yet the most fulfilling, rewarding, and empowering. I know I am only at the very beginning of my journey, but just so you know how broken I am just like the rest of us, the following are the struggles that live deep in my heart that I think and pray for each day:
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________<3

Love… learning to receive God’s love sufficiently and completely, and experiencing the love of my God-chosen husband in His timing.

Patience… to never stress, always trust God’s timing for everything (especially love).

Wisdom… to be a great leader. To make the right decisions. To be sensitive to the direction of the Holy Spirit. To know exactly which steps to take next in life.

Dedication… to my calling regardless of how long it takes.

Focus… on God alone without any distractions from the world. Being able to control or compartmentalize my heart’s desires and emotions, so that the men in my life do not throw me off course. Understanding that I must begin and end my day giving thanks and praise.

Clarity… with my calling. God is this a full-blown ministry? A non-profit? Should I focus on just the magazine? A for-profit? Should I have another partner? Should I be looking for funding? Planning events? Letting go completely? This is YOUR will not MY will so let this be all about YOUR direction.

Perseverance… to overcome any obstacles that I face in the path of my calling, even when I have made wrong decisions. Never letting anything or any discouragement stand in my way. Never giving in to laziness or fear.

Energy… to wake up early, be productive with my time, and get as much as I can out of my day. Did I mention wake up early?

Punctuality… Is that a word? Ironic that in both senses it is very foreign to me. To be on time… no, EARLY… and reliable each day, even if it’s not something I particularly want to do.

Strength… physically, emotionally, spiritually, to overcome the pains of life. Dedicate myself to bible study throughout the day, pray on my battle armor when I awake, as well as taking care of my body by eating, sleeping & exercising.

Success… with my spiritual walk, with my teen magazine, with my personal life. Remembering and referring to God’s word, being able to prophecy, pray scripturally, and speak with authority in front of large audiences.

Good health… that will provide me a long, strong, life and self-confidence with what God has given me. I would like to be in great shape, drink more water, sleep just enough (but not oversleep as usual), and stay on top of my regular check-ups. One day soon I hope to get health insurance! (Eeeek I know you’re all gasping right now).

Financial Freedom… to owe no debts, live to give and serve, without fearing dependence on the world. Living a life of tithing and giving, while learning to save and plan for my future and my family.

Careful Tongue… to never speak out of turn or out of place. To always speak with wisdom, edification, and love. Never getting carried away with anger, frustration, jealousy, or pride. I do not want to speak or give counsel unless I feel led to by the Holy Spirit. My own advice may serve to be detrimental if it is not filtered through God’s word.

Good Steward… OF MY HOME – cleaning more frequently (as much as my mother, lol) I would really enjoy coming home to a neat, dog-hair free, model-home-smelling, beautifully welcoming, & nicely decorated home where I can relax and retreat from the world. OF MY TIME – prioritizing well, not overcommitting, choosing only to serve where God calls me, not everywhere I am asked. Not getting consumed with TV, internet, or sleeping to where days pass me by and nothing productive is done for the ministry. OF MY MONEY – controlling my spending, saving, & tithing regularly.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________<3

All of these things are what I struggle with and battle each and everyday. The most reoccurring theme is the desire to be a wife and have a strong man to walk alongside me. Ideally someone with the same calling and the same passion, to do life and ministry TOGETHER! I have wasted so much of my life making so many bad decisions (especially with men) and now I find myself battling Satan as he strategizes how to throw me off course by dangling temptation after temptation in front of my face like a carrot. He knows exactly what I desire. He knows my type, my fears, my buttons… everything. But I fall for it less and less each time… until one day I will recognize it’s stench and rebuke it before it even comes near me!

Don’t get me wrong, I DO NOT feel lonely. I have felt that before, but for the first time in a long time, I feel I never walk alone. I know people must think I’m crazy because I talk to my Father all day long like a crazy bag lady… praying, laughing, dreaming… He accompanies me wherever I go. I have tons of friends, wonderful fellowship groups, exciting jobs that allow me creative & entrepreneurial freedom, anointed and loving spiritual elders to lead me and guide me when I need it, an amazing home church, and my intelligent, funny brother and adorable little long-haired chihuahua, Rocco as roommates. Yet I still long for many things, and need to learn to trust much more.

My name is Mary Pennington and I am a 30-something beautiful Godly mess. I am a daughter of a King. I am a fighter, a lover, a nurturer. I am a tough girl, a bait-hooking-fish-cleaning-not-afraid-to-get-dirty girl… yet so much makes me cry (though it’s hard to cry in public). I am a loyal, passionate, reliable, procrastinator. I have trouble staying focused on one thing, am learning to rely on others for help, learning to manage my money and not be a shop-a-holic, learning to relinquish control and delegate responsibility, and long to find the love of my life. I fall for a pretty face and warm embrace pretty easily. I have trouble with the lack of passion in my life. I am attracted to strong, reliable, funny, athletic men that are just as crazy and spontaneous as I am…. and before this starts to sound more like a singles ad, know that above all, however, I desire my Father’s heart and approval. I sacrifice my wants and desires for Him because I know He knows best. I live for Him and His will for my life. He has the perfect plan & the perfect man, better than I could ever dream it up… I only pray that I do not let Him down, that this ministry (or whatever He entrusts in my hands) will succeed, and that I can one day rest knowing that I have left a legacy to my children and the lost of this world.