It has been 25 days since our launch party and we have officially delivered the magazine and confirmed distribution to 20 churches across the city… and still going.

Without even a thought, 2 of the churches asked me to come speak to their youth about the magazine. The first was a quick 5 minute intro during the announcements at Oceanway Assembly of God, and the second was actually delivering the message for the 9:00am middle school/high school youth service at Crossroads UMC. They wanted me to share my testimony and how the magazine got started. I ended up speaking for over an hour and incorporated a message God placed in my heart about “stepping into your purpose and promise” like with Abraham in Romans 4.

Before all of this a few months ago, our pastor’s wife, Kerri Weems, began talking to me after service one Sunday regarding SHINE (our women’s conference) and how she was looking for some new and upcoming speakers for in between sessions. I had no idea why she was telling me and kinda giggled in disbelief that it would ever be me, but I assumed she was just thinking out loud. At the end of our conversation, she said she had been thinking of me and wanted me to record the SHINE news this year for the conference… I was totally stoked, but totally terrified. My first public/camera debut. Soon after that day, the Holy Spirit was really stirring me up about getting on stage to say a prayer and give a word at the College Life service that I attend on Wednesday nights. All I remember thinking is “WHAT?? What do I have to say? No way! I’m not there yet in my relationship with God! I’m embarrassed for the people that go up there now, how could I possibly do that?!” Well, March 11th I overcame that fear, and got on stage for the prayer. Then the week after that, I was thrown on stage to do announcements. To top things off, last night I couldn’t sleep… thoughts about the message He had wanted me to speak at College Life was still consuming my thoughts. But this time the topic was clear. I have been reading an amazing book called “Wild at Heart” by John Eldredge, and I feel totally led to speak  about “knowing your role” as a man and a woman, and appreciating and nurturing that role in one another. I guess that’s my next terrifying assignment. Otherwise, the visions and the thoughts will not stop! I feel His Spirit so strong sometimes!

Funny, this ENTIRE time in the back of my head I have been thinking of who I would appoint as the “face” of our organization. Who would do the speaking when asked. Who would represent this ministry in the best possible way, so that I can remain humble and in the background… I guess God has other plans.

So as if I needed further confirmation, (you know, just in case I decided to question the “coincidences” in my life), I received a devotional from our awesome youth pastor about being in a “pit” and not being able to get out. The more I read, the more I knew that was totally where I was… and it’s not the first time. Here is what applied to me:

{ “I am in there again, in the pit. A time when no one can cheer you up. Have you ever had such times? Discouragement can be devastating even to the best of saints. It can bring us so low. The writer of Proverbs phrased it well when he said, ‘Hope deferred makes the heart sick’ (Prov. 13:12). When we get so low that we despair of our belief, we can identify with the prophet Elijah who wanted to die after being so discouraged with life. The Word, then, is the only thing that can bring us clarity, give us hope: First Thessalonians 5:24 “The one who calls you is faithful and He will do it.” }

Those words, though simple and slight to some, filled me with hope and encouragement to wake up again. As I slowly climb out of my pit, I get smacked with another overwhelming thought while listening to John Bevere’s message “The Bait of Satan.” Though the message was about offense (which has also crept up in my spirit lately), he said one thing that shook me to my core. He talked about the PIT. He said, “do you know what PIT stands for? Preacher In Training!” I WAS FLOORED! No God, this must be some mistake. I don’t know You well enough, I am not ready to preach! This isn’t your plan, is it? But I’m the editor of a youth magazine! No, there is no way!

… but look at what he’s brought me to the past month. Little by little… pushing me out there… first a video message, then a short prayer, then announcements, then a quick intro of the mag to the youth service, then a full-blown message. Coincidence?

Well, I am feeling the heat of the refining as we speak. I find myself staring at the lion in my pit everyday. Tip toe-ing around so I don’t wake him. Afraid to start facing the big fears… fighting the big battles… conquering the major obstacles… Where do I start? Why am I still broke? When do the successes come? The joys? The salvations? The financial support? Am I really suppose to preach? No way…. but the messages… they come to me at night when I try to sleep. The visions of me on stage haunt my thoughts. Problem is that I sound so powerful in my visions, so magnificent, so well-spoken, so led by the Spirit, so knowledgeable of His word! That’s not me now. Will it ever be? I guess I will just have to face it all, start making some noise, and wake the lion.