Have you ever had those days where you just want to be still? When you didn’t really feel like “praying” in the formal sense, but would rather just spend hours alone, talking to no one, in deep thought with God?

It is extremely difficult for me to really truly enjoy a day of doing nothing. I feel guilty, anxious, and lazy. There is so much to do and so little time to do everything… how can I just do NOTHING all day? How will I ever get this magazine going? How will things come together? How will I pay my bills? How can I still tithe if every penny counts? What if this individual that mentioned he may be interested in printing the magazine decides not to? It has been weeks since I’ve sent him the presentation and I have yet to hear anything of his decision. It’s coming down to the wire. What will I do?

I wish I could truly trust Him… truly relax and allow my mind and my body to rest and not think of the million things that could go wrong. I know that if everything worked out the way I want it to, I would learn nothing and would not be one ounce stronger than when I started. So I have no choice, but to lay everything down, submit to His will, and know that the worst that could happen is that my bills would not get paid for a while, my credit would go from good to poor, and that I would spend years trying to fix it while going back into the “rat race of society” taking a corporate job. I know that’s not what He wants for me. I know that. I just am limited in my human mind to really see any other options at the moment.

Father, help me. Send me a miracle tomorrow… or sometime this week please. I will wait as long as you need me to. I will suffer as hard as I’m required to. I will work as diligently as you’ve asked me to. Just give me the peace, the joy, and the hope through it all so that I may see that I am on the right path. So that I may enjoy my struggles for the greater glory.

Today, I felt like I didn’t want to talk to anyone. Those who called me, I regret to say, did not get my most sensitive, caring and kind interaction. I wasn’t really present because I was consumed with my own dilemmas. I even started to look for temp jobs online and completed an application for Starbucks manager in Atlantic Beach. They offer health benefits even for part-time work. I haven’t had health insurance for a year now…. What am I doing?

Funny, I don’t necessarily feel attacked, just feel the need to stop my life for a moment… to sit in the same PJ’s all day, to stare at the TV screen (not really watching) and to feel the emotions of the day. Sometimes I don’t have the strength to even cry out for God’s mercy. Sometimes, I can only wrap myself in the comfort of my bed sheets and be still… I don’t know what else to do… but hope God hears my heart screaming in the quiet of my soul.